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Trying to understand death, one letter at a time.

Avatar Bridie Jane Egan
Y E A H T H E H U M A N S
Member since March 26, 2018
  • 1 Post
  • Age 24

Dear Cody,
I watched this movie for the second time earlier: Before Sunrise. In the movie there was a statement a woman said-
“When I was a little girl, I thought that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, then its like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you”.
This quote resonates with my experience of death, you know your death. I mean, I don’t typically force myself to believe you're alive or feel like I am in any sort of denial, but there are sharp distinct moments in my life where I suddenly realise that you are dead. Times when I understand that I will not see you again in my waking life. I cannot put my finger on it, but it's almost like I unexpectedly relive that first moment of realising you were dead. And it hurts, like a sudden kick to the stomach but instead, every cell in my body. It goes away as fast as it comes And I carry on living my life like the past season.
I have distant photographs I kept of you in my vision and mind. And at any given point I can choose to view them. What comes with these photos is every feeling I felt with you at that present moment. And I wonder, does this create a false sense of what we had? Am I making up stories to go along with those photographs, is my mind capable at reconstructing true events to my desired view of you at the time? Because my perspective of our experience may be a whole lot different to your experience. It is this thought that my mind replays over and over again about what was or wasn’t and what it would be like now. Yet I forget that now is a literal, weighted existence and you only remain here in my world of thoughts and emotions...
I think that's the awkward part about talking about death... My perspective is so different to what yours might have been and those that were also apart of your life. Perhaps we keep people alive in our minds because we cannot truly let them go by mourning and sharing with others, because no one can truly understand that much about these intangible experiences that are already gone. So if not anyone but you can keep them safe and sacred, would you truly let go of them?
Sometimes I wonder if me holding onto those moments is the reason I have these sudden blows to the body thinking about how I will never see you again in this life. Although sometimes I see you in other people. Its unhealthy because i'll get a quick attraction to them as I obsess over that trait I loved about you. I also sometimes wonder if thinking about you is selfish in anyway. Like me thinking about you might keep your bond to this world and what if you don’t want to be attached anymore?
The reason I believe dreams, unexplored states of limbo, are real is that when you first passed I would dream you in a certain state of death. Like I was completely aware you were dead yet you weren’t so sure. You were depressed at first and you didn’t really want to interact with me or other people in the dream, but as the dreams passed by and with waking time, you started to change. I’d experienced dreams where we would get together knowing we’d only have this limited time and we would go flying. I remember trying to convince you that we should get on a space ship and fly away together. Another time you had been around for awhile, but in the dream I needed help, and it felt as though you went out of your way to come in and help me. I think I was stuck in a tree and you helped me climb it. The last one I had, was when you came through these doors in a crowded room of people you knew, you walked straight past them all, you looked at me and smiled. We held each other and laughed and smiled and cried a little. I asked you to get a few photos with me as I knew it would be the last time I saw you in a little while and as we took each selfie you slowly started fading away in the back ground, I remember trying so hard to keep you in the picture and that's when I woke up. I rushed to find my phone but you were not there... you haven’t been since.
I find it interesting that I now refer to my memories and experiences of you from those times in my dreams, as if I was referring to those memories I have of you in the waking life. That's what makes me wonder about dreams. Because they were real, and the emotions and experience was real. So whats to say dreams aren’t as real as the state I am in whilst I type this to you; This waking life in the planet called earth at the time of 11:40 pm Tuesday March 2018. I guess with that too, how do I know my memory is strong enough to remember that those dreams really happened, the same as my waking life memories.
I wonder sometimes if I have never changed, even though I really believe I should have many years ago. I know I just loved you so much from the moment I laid eyes on you and when I say love, I probably don’t mean anything you can really grasp or understand. At the time I felt love, but I did not know it was love. I experienced a magic that I had never experienced before. I held onto that feeling for many years, I guess I still do but I cannot make my mind up if it's a good or bad thing.
You see we weren’t the strongest of lovers, in some text book kind of way, but it was the deepest thing I had ever felt. But this agonistic thought I have always had, was… Am I making this up? Or is this real because I feel it so truly and perhaps he feels it too? I guess this circulates back to “inventing the best and the worst for someone”. Did I invent the best for us when I shouldn’t have? The worst for us when I could have invented the best? And I guess that's why I wish I had changed sooner, cause perhaps I would have gotten things right before.
Love you always and forever,
Bridie J Egan




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